Wedding Bands Suck! Why This Acoustic Duo Joined The Dark Side.
photo: Gold & Grit Photography
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Hi, we're Fidel and Sarah, and we're a wedding band. There. We said it. Please forgive us. If you've been lumped with the hefty task of hiring a band for your wedding, we feel ya. There's some real icky stuff out there. I'm guessing you've already seen your fair share. Lord knows we have. We both grew up in the Melbourne scene and know it offers two kinds of music - amazing original artists and the dreaded cover bands. But why the great divide? Between us, we've been performing music for over 25 years. We've played more gigs and weddings than we can poke an ironic beard at. More importantly, I think we've found the golden intersection between the two. More on that in a minute. First, let us explain the biggest assault on real music in Melbourne - wedding bands, and why we joined the dark side. 
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The problem with wedding cover bands
How can we put this mildly? We can't.
They. Are. Awful.
They suck eggs. If you google bands for hire and manage to listen to their recordings without throwing up in your mouth, you probably don't have a soul.
I know, super brutal. But god it's true too.
There's sequin-vested tribute bands, faux-smiley Brown Eyed Girl cover bands, anaemic acoustic duos with egg shakers, and an army of entertainment agencies pushing more of the same beige nightmare.
If you're real unlucky, you might stumble upon a Mumford & Sons styled band totin' a banjo they don't know how to use and stomp-box they shouldn't be allowed to use. Eww.
Worse still, there's franchise bands.
Franchise bands are made up of an interchangeable factory line of musicians, all using the same band name.
Individuals who often don't know each other, who haven't built any musical bond or trust. Bands where who you book and who you get are not necessarily the same.
Know how to spot a franchise band? Look for impersonal, shiny group photos and studio style video recordings with changing members. These bands won't place much emphasis on the individuals in the band (you know, their names, music taste, and other stuff). And they'll magically be able to offer showcases in different states on the same night.
Sometimes they're transparent about that fact, most often they're not. Reviews like these give us the sads:
Poor fella.
You'd be forgiven for thinking this stuff comes from another planet. But no, these are melbourne wedding bands all the same.
But why? In the name of all things rock and roll, why are they so terrible?
When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be In A Wedding Band
- is absolutely not what either of us said to our starry-eyed parents.
No way man.
Nobody thinks that. Nobody wants to be a wedding musician. You'd have to be mad. Or maybe mad at the dismal state of the wedding music industry.
Or maybe you've always dreamed of dressing like a cross between The Wiggles and Jim Carrey in The Mask.
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Yeah nah, not our style.
We didn't ever think weddings would be our bag. It happened by accident. Or perhaps more correctly, out of sheer, excruciating frustration.
We care a lot.
Watch an incredible artist like C. W. Stoneking, dashing in his crisp white suit and talented as hell. That man knows his crowd. He knows how to take them on a journey.
That man knows how to entertain.
That's what wedding musicians should be doing.
Instead they're wearing blues brothers sunglasses and playing songs that even the most outdated pub jukebox would be embarrassed by.
Melbourne sucks for this. You can go to a music festival like Meredith or Chopped and be blown away by the stage presence and energy of local bands like Graveyard Train, Cherrywood and Fraser A Gorman.
Then go to a wedding and you'll see a local acoustic duo with an ipod attached to their microphone stands because they couldn't be bothered memorising lyrics.
It's like they don't care at all. It's embarrassing. And frankly, it gives us the shits.
Without creativity, the soul withers
Great wedding music relies on learning covers.
The bulk of wedding bands play for conservative weddings, and they stick with generic, uninspired cover songs because they're safe.
Most musicians couldn't think of anything more soul-destroying to do for a living.
It's no wonder wedding bands are looked down upon by real artists.
photo: Georgie James Photography
Why we joined the dark side
It took years of confused conversations with other musicians for me to realise that I was different.
That I am not a creator - I'm an embellisher.
I'm obsessed with harmonies (most the time I'd rather be in the background than the foreground).
And I'm not ashamed to admit - I love covering other people's songs. With all my heart. I couldn't think of a better use of my days.
I figure there's enough great music in the world, and it's my job to put a spin on it, not reinvent the wheel.
I've always loved acoustic versions of punk & alternative songs.
So does Fidel, which is lucky, because then we get to do stuff like this:
and a bit of Ramones too..
While I grew up in melbourne, Fidel was born (many moons ago) in a small town along the surf coast. He would come into the big smoke for live gigs.
He got to see Faith No More, The Ramones, Nirvana, Violent Femmes, Cosmic Psychos and Fugazi live. Lucky bugger.
He's been a professional musician since he was 20. His bands used to play at iconic melbourne venues like The Punters Club, The Old Bar, The Empress and The Evelyn.
He played the big festivals too. Port Fairy, Queenscliff, all that jazz.
Me? My short stint of playing public gigs was mostly limited to places like The Retreat in Brunswick which, whilst staging some pretty reputable bands, should've been famous for serving the best $7 double-sauce bowl of chips in the world.
I've always loved live music, but when it comes to playing it, pub crowds ain't my thang.
Fidel's different. Wherever he goes, he works up a storm. Even before we played music together, I'd never seen him do a bad gig.
That man can set the most conservative audience into a frenzy. That man puts his soul into everything he sings. That man is an entertainer.
photo: I Got You Babe
A 'Very Melbourne' Wedding Band In The Making...
I consider myself pretty darn lucky that I get to work with that bearded dude.
And he seems to think the same about me.
Minus the bearded part.
We love the same music. We stay in for boozey nights of listening to all the alt-punk-indie stuff we used to love as teens.
And he seems to think the same about me.
Minus the bearded part.
We love the same music. We stay in for boozey nights of listening to all the alt-punk-indie stuff we used to love as teens.
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We started out playing together at wineries, pubs and music festivals, with the occasional corporate gig thrown in.
And when we'd been asked one too many times to play a wedding because "wedding bands are so terrible, please PLEASE help us", we finally snapped.
But it had to be on our terms.
So we made an agreement. We would join the dark side and become a wedding band.
Only if we never had to play music we hated. No Brown Eyed Girl, no John Farnham, no Horses.
We would not become one of those wedding bands with forced smiles and I-hate-weddings-kill-me-now eyes.
Hell no.
Instead, we decided to only play weddings for people like us. The misfits, the rebels, the nerds, dorks, reformed teen punks, the fringe-dwellers.
Lovebirds who don't give a crap what others think. Couples who love real music and don't want to compromise who they are on their wedding day.
People like you.
And we're mighty glad you finally found us.
xx
Hey, you read our story!
That's mighty kind of you. Hope you enjoyed it.
From here, you might like to listen to our songs or learn more about how we do wedding music.
Whatever you do, have yourselves a fab wedding. xx
That's mighty kind of you. Hope you enjoyed it.
From here, you might like to listen to our songs or learn more about how we do wedding music.
Whatever you do, have yourselves a fab wedding. xx
